Midnight at the Double Douche Part 9

After rescuing Jon from a heap of bodies splayed over his room like the after effect of some sort of pheromone bomb. Then grabbing breakfast at a place that served up amazing pancakes and Fox news we got on the road.

Jon was behind the wheel this time as Kat begged off due to a headache and the desire not to be seen as a cliche as the female driver/assistant.  "But you are my assistant." I said as we settled in.

"Yes but avoiding cliches is something I'm trying on to see how it feels." She replied.

"Well you could do the interviews and write the story. I am so not feeling this." I said as John pointed the car south.

"No thanks this story has no appeal to me in any way." She said looking over something on her pad computer.

"Me neither." I replied.

"So why do it?" Jon asked.

"Not everything in this world is the fun part of the Earth's seedy under belly. Sometimes you have to cover the parts that are sunk deeper in the cesspool." I replied.

"And collect a huge check in the process." Kat said.

"Are you suggesting I'm doing this for mercenary reasons?"

"Not exactly, my big fear is that writing about this will feed the desire for people to get their vicarious thrills from reading about someones legalized murder." She said.

"Not if I have anything to say about it." I said. "This whole thing strikes me as being about as civilized as a lynching party."

Looking up I saw a bill board featuring the states governor. I had a feeling that the states desire to kill as many death row inmates had something to do with his upcoming re election campaign. So far in three years and change he'd killed 250 people. Now he was up to an execution a week. A cycle that if viewed by a psychologist might be viewed as a psychopath devolving into violent mental chaos.

So far this year he'd killed a man with acute Down's syndrome, a mother who had been the getaway driver in a bank heist gone bad, and a 17 year old young man who had killed a young girl back when he was in grade school. When he brought his dads gun for show and tell not knowing it was loaded.

For this he had received record approval ratings for his methods of handling crime. He seemed a shoe in for the next election. And he had real chances at a presidential run. It was agreed amongst pundits that his dropping puppies on spikes act during the last presidential primary debate had wowed the voters in his parties base.

Now his latest victim was a young man named Richard Cole. A young man who had shot at a gang member who was attacking a friend of his and missed. The round had gone through a wall and struck an 8 year old girl in her bedroom as she was playing with Barbies.

At the trial his lawyer who was obviously hung over or drunk depending on the time of day. Had not bothered to try and plead the case down from first degree murder to something more in line with the facts of the situation. This led the prosecution  to decide to swing for the bleachers and the judges instructions had pretty much sealed his fate.

His appeals had so far gone pretty much no where on the state level. As institutional inertia had made sure that the judges on the appeals court didn't want to admit that the state had many errors in this instance. Like  for example appointing a raging alcoholic to handle Cole's defense.

Meanwhile the state governor was urging citizens to carry more firearms. Somehow I had a feeling Mr Cole wouldn't be the last one to take this ride.

"That's a pretty clear miscarriage of justice." Jon said. "Where is the case now?"

"The ACLU has taken it to the supreme court." I replied. "But the chief justice might not want to hear it at all. Apparently he and the governor are friends."

"So this guy might die to possibly earn a sitting governor more votes in an election." Jon said. "That's insane."

"Yeah, yeah it is." I said. Part of me knew how this was all going to end. Not that it would stop me from doing my best. "Kat better be ready to set up the mother of all twitter feeds." I said.

"Two steps ahead of you, I'm writing up the background for the story for people to see on the column." She said.

"How much do I pay you again?"

"The correct answer is not nearly enough." She said.

"I agree, keep up the good work."

We crossed into the county where the prison was. Long flattened fields did nothing to hide the dark edifice on the edge of the horizon.  Taking a calming breath I got focused.

"Ahead warp factor 6 Mr Jon."

"Aye aye captain."

Off we sailed into what could only be called probable disaster.

Midnight at the Double Douche Part 8

(So with phase one complete I am starting the next big story of this mad cast. Warning by the time this section ends it's gonna get dark in here. I promise though the next sequence will be hardcore crazy.)

I woke in a darkened hotel room feeling frightfully sober. Contrary to the opinion you must have formed by now I do spend large periods of time not under the influence of anything more powerful than several cups of coffee, Claritin and nicotine.

I was woefully short of coffee so I called room service and tried to piece together how I had gotten here. Stumbling into the bathroom I found a pair of panties in the sink with a note. "Thanks for the adventure... Fiona." on them. Then parts of it came back, we had stumbled into the motel after escaping the carnage we had caused just minutes earlier. Then I kept getting "gifts" from Fiona until the sun came up.

I grinned at the black satin underwear and put them in my pocket. I'd take in thanks of a "Thank you masked man." any day.

Shit, was time was it? There was no way I was going to open the screens by the window. For all I knew the big yellow orb was out there. We'd had quite a period of time the sun and I. I had nothing against it per se, I just operated better at night like most decent people. Right now a good solid blast of sunlight would probably blow a hole right through me.

There was a knock on the door. I stumbled to it drew it open. The young man from room service pushed in a wheeled cart with a pot of coffee and a small bottle of milk on it. I tipped him handsomely then as I poured a cup, watched Kat walk in dressed to the nines as always. I meanwhile was in sweats and a black pink floyd t-shirt.

Kat held out a phone. "How did this wind up in my pocket?" She asked.

"Gremlins, clearly they're out to get you." I replied and offered her a cup which she took.

"Well your editor would like a word with you." She said handing me the offending device.

"Hi Shelby." I said into the receiver and added creme to the coffee.

"Nice column, thanks for changing names to give us plausible deniability. The lawyers are currently preparing their counter suits." She said.

"As they should, all those people are dangerous maniacs." I replied.

"Good now be ready to say that in deposition." She paused. "Hope you're not comfortable I have a new gig for you."

"Ohh dear lord. I'm still in recovery from this one."

"Suck it up, drink some Gatorade and take some aspirin, then get down to this location I got you a huge level of access if your lucky in three days you get to see someone get hung."

"Sorry repeat that?" I replied.

"I said drink some gatora..."

"Not that, the last part."

"Apparently due to issues with the inability to get drugs for executions in their state the governor has given the inmates on death row a choice between hanging and firing squad." She paused. "The next one is set in three days. I got you access to the next victim the warden the lawyers and a few others."

I took a deep breath. "There is really nothing about this that appeals to me. I always felt that killing people was a waste of perfectly good human potential."

"It's a front page exclusive and you get the mother of all bonuses. Seriously this whole thing has a huge potential for the sort of story you really roll on."

"Stop playing to my ego. Okay I'll do it. Send me all the pertinents."

"Done. Check your email." Shelby said and hung up.

Kat looked up at me. "New job?"

"Yeah we're going south to cover a hanging." I said.

She stared away absently. "I sense a whole lot of suck ahead."

"Oh good I'm not the only one." I replied. "Nothing for it, let's get packed, pull Jon from the latest pile of flesh he's created and get moving."

Midnight at the Double Douche part 7

As a general rule despite my daily intake of various substances and the behaviour they cause I actually do my best not to be a disturbance the people around me. Let's face it after decades of insane behavior among people who are only marginally less sane than myself there are some things that are simply beneath and common rudeness is one of them.

on the other hand when I have the opportunity to just completely fist fuck the reputation of a rude mean spirited fuck wit of an attempted rapist, well all bets are off.

I am telling you this basically to explain why I side swiped the cop car. Then knocked over a row of mail boxes.

Now that I had the attention of the local cops the fun could really begin. The cop I had ran off the road hit his rollers and locked in on me like a sidewinder missile. "Congratulations you just woke up every cop in the city." Kat said into my ear piece.

"Ohhh good now how can I get the county sheriff's involved?" I thought and took a violent turn off the road and onto another gravel road. blessing the gods who had seen fit to create GPS navigation for cars.

The tires were kicking up road dust and gravel making a hefty trail to obscure the cops vision, the lights on my car lit up a surprise left in a corn field so I turned off the lights and slammed hard left into it and made sure to keep my foot off the brakes.

"You are out of your mind!" Fiona yelled as we shot into the corn.

"Maybe now is not the time to tell you all the substances running through my system." I said with a grin.

In the rear window I saw the cop go shooting past us. I counted to ten then put the truck in reverse and double backed on my trail.

"Congratulations he's lost you but he is calling in the local Sheriffs to find you." Kat said into my ear.

"Things are picking up." I replied. and I throttled out onto the highway slamming the gas down hard and throwing both Fiona and I backward. Carl got thrown to the right and slammed his head off of the roll bar, but from the look in his eyes the concussion wouldn't be noticed for days.

Old school television static scrolled over the windshield as the "Pretty" took hold of my mind. Then it all resolved itself into the sort of heads up display when one would find in the cock pit of a fighter jet.
"Jon you have found the most useful substance on gods good green earth I thought, then turned back toward town just as a sheriff's cruiser was headed our way. Again the rollers came on and felt a surge of energy.

My mental HUD kept a track of the Sheriff's cars location as I veered sharply back into town where two more cops cars gave chase.

"Wow you might want to turn off ahead they're putting out those roller spikes ahead of you." Kat said.

"Thanks for the heads up."

It was then that I remembered what started all this. Looking down I saw the switches that started this douches twin rollers on the back. I turned the system on then flipped both rollers to max speed.

As a result a cloud of Rush Limbaugh posters flew out the back of the truck, now with new text added to each one saying.  "Rush Limbaugh, thinks your moms a cunt" or "Rush Limbaugh thinks cops are swine"

The cop cars behind me started swerving and as they did I took a violent right turn, wiping out the sign of a CVS pharmacy in the process. I kept on the grass and tore up the lawn of a near by funeral home then veered sharply back to my destination.

"The cops have lost you for the time being." Kat said.

"Ohhh good." I kept my eyes on the icon for the place I wanted. Within minutes I was there.

Fiona and I stepped out of the car and I let Carl out of his handcuffs. His eyes clearly showed he was in a happier place. So after wiping down the interior for prints I set him behind the steering wheel. Put the truck in low gear and pointed him at the building that house both the local republican party and a Starbucks.

Call it a cultural twofer.

We walked out under the stop light as the car slowly rolled toward the building. Getting out of the street lights and into an alley. There was the sound of grinding metal and broken glass as the truck slammed into the office at about ten miles an hour. Setting off the air bags inside of  the trucks and alarms inside the building.

"We should probably make tracks." Fiona said as we both appreciated the view. In the background I heard sirens approaching fast.

"Kat could you come get us please?" I said into my head set.

"On my way." As the cops approached Fiona pressed me into a wall and we had fun making out like teen agers as the cops turned the corner and flew over to the truck. Weapons drawn and yelling their heads off.

Kat pulled up slowly and we got in to the back seat.

"Congratulations you caused untold thousands of dollars in damage set someone up for multiple felonies." Kat said as we drove off.

"I would not have taken this nearly that far if he hadn't pulled a gun on me and wanted to play the armed rapist game. After that the gloves come off." I replied.

Kat nodded her head. "Makes sense to me. Where to now boss?"

"It's been a long night let's collect Jon and find a motel to bed down for the night. I have a column to write."

We returned to the Double Douche just as it was closing. Walking I saw Jon spread out on a table missing must of the key items of clothing he had one when he came in but also wearing the smile of a man well worn and used.

As Fiona grabbed her purse I lifted him over my shoulders and we took him back with us. "But I don't wanna go to school today." He whispered as we walked out into now cool night air.

"He's adorable." Fiona said. "Can I keep him for a while?"

"Possibly." I replied, "I'll wait till he's fully awake before I make that decision for him."

"Good call he'd likely be scared waking up in a strange room with a lady he didn't know." Fiona said with a wink.

"He'd likely be more scared if he didn't."  Kat said and we drove off into the night.

Little did I know that this was just the start of a series of adventures.

(More to come folks, this was just phase one, I hope you all enjoyed, phase two begins soon, like in a day or two.)

Midnight at the double douche part 6

There is a moment just before I embark on some sort of act that has potentially horrid consequences for another where I stop. Just pause and think before I step into action. Does this person truly deserve this?

I looked Carl over. Sure he had no sense of style but then neither did I. He wore wrangler jeans two sizes too small for reasons that made no sense. His dark hair was combed over in a manner that wouldn't fool a team of blind mules loaded up on a mixture of crack and quaaludes and he wore a t-shirt from some 80's band that had been worn so often that the only I reason I knew which group it was that I had that same shirt and seen them on the same tour. (Throw up the horns bitches!!) Sure he looked like a human train wreck but on any given day the same could be said of me.

Those superficial issues aside he was a person who felt entitled to strew paper and petrol products all over the beautiful wasteland of the local area to pimp a piece of agitprop by a man whose job was to act like a goalie on the human mind. Blocking any novel notion or idea that could cause the world to potentially change for the better. He was sold on the idea that the way things were, had to be the way they should continue despite the fact that it would make women, people of color, gay folks and trans people second class citizens. To his mind that was okay because much like the Affliction shirted rat I had seen earlier he had his so fuck you.

That to me was the dividing line. A simple notion of the world as a place that revolved around him, those other people were objects to be used for his own fulfillment or road blocks best ran over. To his view of the world there was no need for a notion of common equality caring for those around him, or even viewing those other animate objects on two legs as people.

So yeah, fuck him.

He leaned in close to me and I could smell his halitosis coming. I steeled myself for an unpleasant encounter.  So what do I have to give you to fuck this whore over here?" He asked.

Acting like I was giving it some thought I paused then said. "Five hundred bucks but it can't happen here."

He nodded sagely. "And what does she get in the cut?"

"Whatever I fucking give her." I replied. Folks when dealing with your enemy know his language.

He laughed hard. "Good man. Okay lets blow this Popsicle stand." We walked away from the bar and I eyed Jon who was taking a beating from some young ladies garter belt. Her smile of enjoyment was genuine and he did a job of selling her whipping him worthy of a pro wrestler. Part of me decided to see how long i could draw this out. He'd done great work and deserved a chance to indulge his desires.

We made it past the throng at the door and out into the warm dry night air. Fiona had wrapped herself up in a long red satin nightgown. Now every time she took a step one of her legs did a majestic strip tease passing through the material. I was almost distracted, but with the objective in sight my focus was like a laser.

We got into his truck and just as he started it he reached down into the seat well and produced a handgun roughly the size of my head. Which he touched to the end of my nose. "How about we forget the $500 and you get watch while I shaft your bitch?" His other hand brought up a set of handcuffs.

From this position I could have taken that pistol and turned it at his head in less time than it would have taken him to blink.  Patience won out though, he didn't want to hurt me physically, he just wanted to assert his dominance in the only manner he knew how. He wanted to fuck Fiona and turn me into some sort of weeping dribble.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought that he had this move down so well that he had obviously done it before. "Cuff your hand to the ceiling handle."

So I feigned terror and did what he said. HE laughed and put the pistol away and put the overly large truck in gear. Amazing to me how people with small souls go for big things,. Guns, cars, etc. Mind you I drove a huge Aston martin but weapons of choice tended to be average but effective. So I guess my soul is in the medium sized range.

It was quiet in the truck, and I'm sure he was enjoying the scene. Me trapped in his truck and him about to get a piece of porn star ass. Or so he thought.

With some drugs the onset is slow and gradual, but Jon's batch of the substance he just called pretty, smacked him in the eyes with all the force of a pharmacological 2 by 4. His pupils suddenly dilated his muscles slacked and tensed at random and his head lolled as he tried to remember where he was.

Which would have been awesome if we hadn't been doing sixty on a gravel road.

With the speed of thought I reached into the back of my pants and liberated the handcuff key taped to my belt and freed my hand. Then surged to my left knocking his hands off the wheel and hitting the brakes hard.

Meanwhile Fiona came up from behind and applied a blood check on Carl like she was a MMA pro. In seconds he was out cold and drooling.

"So what are we gonna do with him now?" She asked.

I got out opened the driver side door and kicked Carl as hard as I could over to the passenger seat then for fun cuffed his hands to the roof.

"Now we're gonna have a night Carl wished he had." I replied.

I was about to drive off when Kat caught up to us. "Holy shit! Are you all right?"

Pretty silvery pieces of glitter sailed past my eyes and I could hear amazing music roaring in my ears as she walked up. In small doses "Pretty" was damn awesome I decided. "Yeah we're fine." I replied. "Dumbass here is in another world for a few hours so I suggest we put them to good use."

"What should I do?" Kat asked.

"Do me a favor and keep on the police band radio and let me know when and how they're following us." I replied. Kat took a second then looked at Carl and smiled.

"You are an evil man."

"You have no clue." I replied. "Hang out near the cop shop and be ready to pick us up." She laughed and walked off.

I looked at Fiona and smiled to her. "You can skip this part it's likely to be a bit dangerous."

She ran her arm through mine and kissed my cheek. "Wouldn't miss it for the world."

Getting back in with her I put the truck in gear and drove off heading back toward town. This is where it was gonna get evil.

Midnight at the double douche part 5

(One of those days where I woke up and thought. "I must write." Now I just have to remember what I was going to do in this chapter. Enjoy the show!)

I exited the dressing room reluctantly, as while it doesn't fit the overall idea of what people would expect it does have a host of excellent views. No instead now I was trapped amidst the mad horde near the bar looking for my compatriots.

"So she gets done and the bitch wants me to lick her pussy." A guy wearing shorts and an Affliction shirt said. His hat cocked at the perfect angle to make him look like the king of idiots.

"No shit?" Said a fellow who appeared as though he was trying to clone his clothes like his buddy. An individual just like all his friends. "What did you say?"

"Tough luck bitch I got mine." The first said. The two guys exchanged a fist bump. Ahh the great American half wit mating ritual. The actions of people too concerned with themselves to notice that someone else was involved in their pleasure as well. Welcome to the new "Me" generation, where those who spent far too much time learning about sexual mores from idiots on reality shows compare notes on the best way to scam sex from others rather than learning how to enjoy it as a matter of both giving and taking.

I wondered if the defense department had some sort of bomb I could borrow that would do away with people under a certain IQ. Sure it would take out most of the people in the bar. But the ones left over would be an interesting bunch, intelligent sex obsessed, a bit odd. You know, my kind of people.

Looking around I saw the same consistency of attitudes and behaviors I always experienced in places like this in our great land of America. Chock full of desires they had been told were wrong to feel, so expressing them was always tied to some deep dark emotional resonance that made these interactions less about love and pleasure then about furtive fucking in alley. Filled with the desperate need to get off and escape before you came under the watchful eye of an angry God. Or worse yet your fellow citizens who would look down and snarl at you for these things no matter shade of cotton bondage ropes they had under the bed next to the nipple clamps and vibrators.

But I digress. There was a upstanding citizen of this city who needed to be destroyed and I had just the team to do it.

Kat was up to her eyebrows in people doing their best to serve her needs. I looked at her as she lay in a corner booth fed wine and grapes by outstretched hands of young college age boys, women of indeterminate origin and middle aged school teachers here on a night pass. She looked up at me. "You're about to disturb my bliss aren't you?" She said..

"I'm afraid so. We have a mission to accomplish."

She sighed and got up from her latest collection of servants. All of whom seemed quite disappointed for her leaving their service. "Okay what are we doing."

"Go outside and be prepared to follow me in the car." I said.

"We're gonna have to evade the cops again?" She asked hopefully.

"Probably and possibly the national guard, we'll see." Kat got up and walked to the exit as I searched for Jon. As I expected a group of off duty strippers had him cornered and helpless. Not that he seemed to mind.  I made my way through the throng of scantily clad women with as much dignity as I could muster. Jon took a pause in acting terrified when I showed up.

"Hey boss what do you need?"

"What strange chemicals do you have in that walking pharmacy you call your pants?" I asked.

"For your use or someone Else's?"

"Someone Else's, I need hallucinations, a loss of inhibition, partial motor skills and an adrenaline rush." I replied.

"Are you sure this isn't for you?" He asked. Reaching into his pocket and pulling out small pills baggies with capsules of various sorts and shapes. He stopped and held up one that seemed to contain glowing glitter. "This should do nicely?"

"What is it?" I asked.

"Hmmm I'd say pretty." He replied.

"Agreed, lets test it on our prey and see what it does." I paused. "Ladies, please continue, I'm sorry to have interrupted."

"Oh you're gonna get it now." One of them said to Jon and advanced. Jon returned to looking cowed as I walked to the bar, sitting next to he guy who was now distracted by the lovely Fiona who was leaning in to talk to him and also showing an amount of cleavage that could best be described as wonderful.

Fiona saw me move toward his drink and to keep him distracted leaned in and whispered something in his ear and put her hand on his thigh. His eyes lit up and he smiled, showing a row of uneven teeth a shark would have been proud of.

As all this happened I dropped three capsules of this amazing substance into his drink, then added two more for good luck then took the last for myself. I mean in the end why not share this amazing experience with the person I wanted to destroy.

"Carl There's someone here I think you should meet." Fiona said turning him around. "Carl meet Mick, he's kind of my business manager." She winked at me.

"Hi Carl, what can we do for you tonight?" I asked with a crocodile smile.

Midnight at the Double Douche 4

Now to the uninitiated passing through the swinging door and into a the strippers dressing area would likely seem like taking a step from a grimy club and into some sort of harem fantasy. Where naked women would be lunging here there and everywhere discussing notes on customers, impossible sexual techniques and how they want to introduce one to the other.

Sadly I am now about to destroy that image. It's more like a locker room with well set up lights, women in various stages of undress talking about the assholes in the crowd or being catty to one another with discussions on pulled muscles sore hands and the joy of menstruation and how to keep performing despite it.

Another plus is that the women who work the stage are used to being in the buff so when a guy comes walking in it doesn't provoke panicking and freaking out. You know like that time Jon somehow found himself in the locker room of the girls basketball team. (As usual we had to go in and rescue him from a savage beating he seemed to be enjoying.) Instead they just kind of look up and return to what they were doing.

I walked over to Fiona's chair where she was adjusting her makeup and took a seat in a folding metal chair. She turned her head and looked at me. First I got a blank look as she wondered what I wanted, then she looked again. "Milwaukee?"

"Bonus points if you guess the year." I replied. She thought again.

"I was still making movies back then, so I'll say 1991."

"I guess I owe you.. uh something."

"A glass of tea would be nice." She said.

I reached into my jacket and pulled out a zip log bag with several tea bags. "Your choices today are Earl Grey, Japanese green and crushed gun powder. We'll have to see about hot water later." She came forward and hugged me.

"Hi Mick."

"Oh how nice you remembered." I sad setting the ea bags aside.

"It's hard to forget the guy who got cut keeping some clown from giving me a forced vaginal exam. Sorry I missed you after. I left a gift for you, but had to catch a flight as soon as the day was done." She pulled back and I unabashedly stared at her breasts.

"Sadly I never got it. What was it?"

"Hang around till the place closes and you'll find out." She said standing and moving to a small closet and sorting through outfits.

"That does sound like a great promise. But we might get run out of town first." I said.

"Okay now it does sound like old times." She said as she pulled off a red and black sequined number and began to work herself into it. "What are you up to?"

To my eyes it seemed like the outfit slid up her body of her own volition. The purple pills clearly had me in their sway.  I took a moment to enjoy the show. She grinned and showed off. "Thanks for showing a lady some desire." Her smile was quite genuine.

"Hey my eyes go where they want, and apparently they like being there." I said with a smile.

"Now seriously what are you up to?" She asked sitting down as someone put a Rage against the Machine song on the stereo.

"We're gonna trash the machinery someone is using to pimp Rush Limbaugh's new book, and then most likely the person himself." I said.

Fiona gave me a smile and sat in my lap. "Dear if you'd do that my week would be completely made. There might even be something in it for you." Her finger trailed over my face and I could feel a definite stirring. Her body had an aura now of a warm green, a very lush color. Voices were telling me to indulge a few whims I'd wanted to since the mid 80's.

I put those thoughts aside for a bit. Here I was in the middle of God knows where and on a mission. Hopefully Miss Fiona would be kind enough to wait. "So you know who I'm talking about?" I asked as she trailed a finger up my leg. Seriously I was gonna focus any second now.

"Yeah every girl here knows Carl he's the silent partner in this joint and feels that means he gets free access to every girls pussy." She paused. "Every girl, maybe a guy or two, possibly a sheep he keeps on his property. The man is one giant tub of trouble with a little tiny penis and too large of an ego. Rumor has it his favorite thing to hear when he's fucking is screams."

"So not your type then." I said with a wink.

"Not even close. Anything I can do to help?"

Suddenly an angel appeared on one shoulder and a demon on my other. Then another demon appeared by the angel sapped it behind the ear and dragged it off. "Now that I have you all to myself." The demon said. "I just wanted to make sure you get this clown as messed up as you possibly can."
"Really? I needed you to tell me that? Seriously am I just one walking talking outgrowth of my id now that even the demon's ideas don't seem shocking." I thought.

"You seem a little lost there." Fiona said.

"Hang on I'm arguing with a demon on my shoulder." I replied.

"Oh you get that too? Mine usually tells me to see how many girls I can get to play with me after work. In each town I'm in."  She said with a grin.

"Just girls?" I asked.

"Some guys too, but when I'm travelling girls are more fun to play with and less messy." The demon on my shoulder had paused his temptation to listen to her talk and nodded appreciatively. "I like her." He said. "Now then if that fucker doesn't wake up tomorrow in a pool of his own urine wondering why he's under a donkey you sir are a fucking loser...."

I swatted the demon from my shoulder. "Here's what I need you to do for me." I smiled at Fiona and she grinned. As I outlined the plan she smiled and brought her hands to her mouth. "OH my god that's so evil. I'm in."

"Then when we're done we'll have tea."

"Excellent." She said standing up. "Let's get to work."

Where the hell did that come from?

So I've been writing a story in serial form for the last few days which has been a blast. But of course everyone who has read it wants to know what sort of corner of my mind did this all come from?

Seriously it all started with a dream where I was on some sort of deranged mission impossible/Hunter S Thompson style road trip with a few good friends and a lady I know passingly who works in the adult film industry.

Apparently this is what I get for reading Transmetropolitan and drinking green tea before bed.

So as I rolled the idea around in my mind the more preposterous it seemed which meant it was kind of perfect for me to pop the bubbles other people have around ideas and off we went. I love the notion of hiding truth in absurdity. Or at least what I perceive to be truth.

I do plan to take some swipes at the notions of slut shaming, the whole list of odd double standards we as a society have in regards to gender roles, capitalism as a religion to some modes of political thoughts and a host of pundits who would likely do their best work with their mouths sewn shut.

I will say that I was quite pleased when a writer of my acquaintance said he thought it felt like it was written by Douglas Adams and Hunter S Thompson sharing a typewriter and bong hits.

So for those of you who want something similar I suggest you go to your local comic store and buy a series called. "Transmetropolitan." It's an epic update of the gonzo style of journalism brought up tot he 25th century featuring an insane character named Spider Jerusalem and his two "filthy assistants." It's an amazing series that managed to make me laugh shed tears and leave me both thrilled and heartbroken.

None of that is an exaggeration, it really is that good.

Also check out the Terry Gilliam film of Hunter S Thompson's novel "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas." It features Johnny Depp and Benicio Del Toro in the lead roles with a slew of amazing cameos. (Watch for Flea from the Chili peppers licking LSD off of the sleeve of Johnny Depp's jacket.)
It's a Terry Gilliam film so it's a mash of amazing visuals and genres that bears repeated viewing.

I'll be writing that and regular blog posts, if you want I have made a separate section for the finished serialized sections of the story all edited together because frankly I can't figure out how to make the chapters separate on a new page.

Thanks so much for your time and reading my fits of madness. There's more to come and I hope you enjoy.