As a general rule despite my daily intake of various substances and the behaviour they cause I actually do my best not to be a disturbance the people around me. Let's face it after decades of insane behavior among people who are only marginally less sane than myself there are some things that are simply beneath and common rudeness is one of them.
on the other hand when I have the opportunity to just completely fist fuck the reputation of a rude mean spirited fuck wit of an attempted rapist, well all bets are off.
I am telling you this basically to explain why I side swiped the cop car. Then knocked over a row of mail boxes.
Now that I had the attention of the local cops the fun could really begin. The cop I had ran off the road hit his rollers and locked in on me like a sidewinder missile. "Congratulations you just woke up every cop in the city." Kat said into my ear piece.
"Ohhh good now how can I get the county sheriff's involved?" I thought and took a violent turn off the road and onto another gravel road. blessing the gods who had seen fit to create GPS navigation for cars.
The tires were kicking up road dust and gravel making a hefty trail to obscure the cops vision, the lights on my car lit up a surprise left in a corn field so I turned off the lights and slammed hard left into it and made sure to keep my foot off the brakes.
"You are out of your mind!" Fiona yelled as we shot into the corn.
"Maybe now is not the time to tell you all the substances running through my system." I said with a grin.
In the rear window I saw the cop go shooting past us. I counted to ten then put the truck in reverse and double backed on my trail.
"Congratulations he's lost you but he is calling in the local Sheriffs to find you." Kat said into my ear.
"Things are picking up." I replied. and I throttled out onto the highway slamming the gas down hard and throwing both Fiona and I backward. Carl got thrown to the right and slammed his head off of the roll bar, but from the look in his eyes the concussion wouldn't be noticed for days.
Old school television static scrolled over the windshield as the "Pretty" took hold of my mind. Then it all resolved itself into the sort of heads up display when one would find in the cock pit of a fighter jet.
"Jon you have found the most useful substance on gods good green earth I thought, then turned back toward town just as a sheriff's cruiser was headed our way. Again the rollers came on and felt a surge of energy.
My mental HUD kept a track of the Sheriff's cars location as I veered sharply back into town where two more cops cars gave chase.
"Wow you might want to turn off ahead they're putting out those roller spikes ahead of you." Kat said.
"Thanks for the heads up."
It was then that I remembered what started all this. Looking down I saw the switches that started this douches twin rollers on the back. I turned the system on then flipped both rollers to max speed.
As a result a cloud of Rush Limbaugh posters flew out the back of the truck, now with new text added to each one saying. "Rush Limbaugh, thinks your moms a cunt" or "Rush Limbaugh thinks cops are swine"
The cop cars behind me started swerving and as they did I took a violent right turn, wiping out the sign of a CVS pharmacy in the process. I kept on the grass and tore up the lawn of a near by funeral home then veered sharply back to my destination.
"The cops have lost you for the time being." Kat said.
"Ohhh good." I kept my eyes on the icon for the place I wanted. Within minutes I was there.
Fiona and I stepped out of the car and I let Carl out of his handcuffs. His eyes clearly showed he was in a happier place. So after wiping down the interior for prints I set him behind the steering wheel. Put the truck in low gear and pointed him at the building that house both the local republican party and a Starbucks.
Call it a cultural twofer.
We walked out under the stop light as the car slowly rolled toward the building. Getting out of the street lights and into an alley. There was the sound of grinding metal and broken glass as the truck slammed into the office at about ten miles an hour. Setting off the air bags inside of the trucks and alarms inside the building.
"We should probably make tracks." Fiona said as we both appreciated the view. In the background I heard sirens approaching fast.
"Kat could you come get us please?" I said into my head set.
"On my way." As the cops approached Fiona pressed me into a wall and we had fun making out like teen agers as the cops turned the corner and flew over to the truck. Weapons drawn and yelling their heads off.
Kat pulled up slowly and we got in to the back seat.
"Congratulations you caused untold thousands of dollars in damage set someone up for multiple felonies." Kat said as we drove off.
"I would not have taken this nearly that far if he hadn't pulled a gun on me and wanted to play the armed rapist game. After that the gloves come off." I replied.
Kat nodded her head. "Makes sense to me. Where to now boss?"
"It's been a long night let's collect Jon and find a motel to bed down for the night. I have a column to write."
We returned to the Double Douche just as it was closing. Walking I saw Jon spread out on a table missing must of the key items of clothing he had one when he came in but also wearing the smile of a man well worn and used.
As Fiona grabbed her purse I lifted him over my shoulders and we took him back with us. "But I don't wanna go to school today." He whispered as we walked out into now cool night air.
"He's adorable." Fiona said. "Can I keep him for a while?"
"Possibly." I replied, "I'll wait till he's fully awake before I make that decision for him."
"Good call he'd likely be scared waking up in a strange room with a lady he didn't know." Fiona said with a wink.
"He'd likely be more scared if he didn't." Kat said and we drove off into the night.
Little did I know that this was just the start of a series of adventures.
(More to come folks, this was just phase one, I hope you all enjoyed, phase two begins soon, like in a day or two.)
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