"Holy shit! Someone get that fat ignorant fucker off of my car!" I screamed. The image of the shill man for all that is wrong in the world leered at me through the window. His smiling happy visage, the sort of thing that made me think of a man who sold used cars and liked it. Who might violate a puppy if there was a dime in it for him. The kind of person who lived in Pittsburgh but was a Cowboys fan.
What was this man doing on the windshield of my car?
Kat being the most sensible and sane of us solved the riddle and the problem of not being able to see while she's driving by pulling what I now saw was a poster for that horrible creatures new book off the windshield. She passed it back to me and continued driving as if this was the most natural thing in the world.
I looked it over as Jon peered over my shoulder. "Apparently his latest piece of agitprop comes out tomorrow." He said as I studied the print, the red white and blue colors of the page, and the subliminal messages hidden in the ink telling you that this man would make all your worries go away. His publisher had no shame.
"Well then he must be stopped!" I yelled.
"God dammit!" Kat yelled and swerved to avoid yet another poster. Then another. "Apparently they have cut out the middle man in advertising."I said seeing even more of the dangerous paper objects flying at us.
"True, why bother with a street team and tape when you can speak to his audience so much more effectively with simple littering." Jon agreed reaching into his pocket and pulling out a pill bottle. He looked at it absently then pulled out a specimen and knocked it back.
"What do you have there?" I asked.
"I'm not sure." He said. "They're purple though."
"Oh good I'll take two." Jon was kind enough to hand over two of the little capsules and while I waited for it's effects to take hold I drew my pistol and stuck myself out of the window. Taking aim at a passing piece of paper with that horrible mans image on it. Firing a quick round I caught him right in that pig like furrow between his eyes.
Remember kids the trick to hitting a moving target is to lead it some. Oh and hate. So. Much, HATE.
"Screw you, you festering bag of ignorant puss!" I screamed to the night sky and fired another round.
"What the hell are you doing? Get back in the car!" Kat yelled. Too late though, I saw another poster flying through the air and pegged it on the fly. Paper exploded in all directions and I was momentarily blinded by the muzzle flash. Jon took the opportunity to drag me into the car.
"Dude why would you stop me on such a holy mission?" I said to my partner in crime.
He simply jerked his thumb behind us. Looking I saw a set of red white and blue lights swirling and following us.
"Is anything we're carrying illegal by any chance?" Kat asked.
Suddenly I remembered with startling clarity the provision run John and I had made before hitting the road. We had stopped for burgers, booze and ammo, then stopped by a friends place for other items more exotic. I was pretty sure we could explain the Gatling blow gun, but the two ounces of mushrooms and large Halloween sized bag of bubble hash might take some explaining.
"Ohh only most of it." I said. Imagining some back woods judge who would likely sentence us to five years of Fox News for bringing such dangerous items into his beloved land.
"Well then let me do the talking."Kat said harshly and Jon and I did our best to behave like rational human beings for a short period of time.
The cop pulled up behind us and blasted the interior of the car with his screaming bright spotlights. I slipped on a pair of shades and noticed the lens flares on the insides. Perfect, what a great time for Jon's pills to kick in. Truth be told I was beginning to sweat a little.
It didn't help that the cop looked like a mountain of sculpted muscle and uniform who radiated a sort of dark authority as he walked. Literally back lit with the power lights I was expecting to hear a sound like Darth Vader's labored breathing as he got closer.
The purple pills gave him a dark aura with a life of it's own. following behind him like dark shadowy murder doll.
"Ignore this terrible drug." I thought to myself.
Kat to her credit handled it without so much as a mussed hair and handed the officer her license, registration and insurance card with a pleasant smile. The cop scowled down at her like he had never seen anything that pleased him on any level at any time... ever. He struck me as the sort of man who ground glass into lube to masturbate with just to make himself a little meaner in the morning.
"Can I help you officer?" Kat asked.
"Do you know why I pulled you over?" He asked.
"Was I speeding?" She asked with happy smile.
"No, you were driving at normal speed with a passenger hanging out a window firing a pistol."
"So that's illegal?" She asked. Giving him a sad look like a puppy. "I'm so sorry I didn't know that."
That actually brought him up short. Like no one could have ever taken such a massive refuge in that level of audacity. "Ummmm." He said.
"We're really sorry about that." She said. "We just got excited driving the roads and exercising our 2nd amendment rights. I promise we'll keep it down from here on out."
The cop seemed a little dazed then handed the paperwork back to Kat. "That would be appreciated. Mam, I'll let you go with a warning but I had better not see you driving along firing weapons blindly into the night again."
"Ohh we won't." She said. The cop nodded gravely and walked off back to his car.
"You saw that too right?" Jon asked me.
"Yeah but we better double check." I replied. "It could be some unknown purple pill side effect."
"Good point." Jon said nodding. "Kat did you just talk us out of a possible multiple felony arrest by telling a cop you didn't know what we were doing was illegal?"
Kat put the old car in gear. "Yes, I did, and don't make me do it again anytime soon, the batteries need to recharge." She stomped on the gas and we were thrown back into the seat so hard we couldn't follow up on the question.
The car itself was a marvel of modern tinkering. It started life as a 1986 Aston Martin Lagonda. Which if you want to know looks like a limousine stuck in a three way with either end of a Ferrari. The engine had been replace with an Audi V-10 a while back and the electronics kept getting tinkered with.
Now the weird part is I didn't do or contract any of this. I swear parts just keep appearing in this car. Usually after Jon and I try some new concoction in the basement bar and...
Wait a minute.
I turned accusingly to Jon. "Are you the one whose been fucking with my?..." The question was cut off as Kat took a sudden turn into a bar parking lot. "Holy shi...."
"IT seems like I found the source of all the Rush Limbaugh propaganda."
We saw the truck designed to litter posters across America's roadways parked in front of a seedy dump of a bar called the Double Douche.
Jon and I looked at each other and smiled the warm predatory smile of the lion as it walks through the grass and sees all the Gazelles ahead of them at the watering hole.
"I see a sacred duty." Jon said.
"Let's go to work." I replied.
Kat merely sighed as we stopped off into a parking lot full of wrangler jeans, cowboy boots, pickup trucks and prom queens turned strippers.
It was time to do the world some good.
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