(I'm in a goofy mood and frankly the allegedly real world is far too terrible and weird of late for me to get a mental line on. So today I give you a moment of strange fiction that passed through my brain, so I figured I would pass it on to you. I'm giving thought about doing a fictional stories blog, if there is any interest let me know.)
(One more note, some people might think my take on the Republican primaries is a bit mean, but after the audience in 2012 yelled "let em die!" I am allowed to make fun of the mind set of their "base" however much I wish.)
How do you explain the reasoning behind the terrible events of that evening? Well I could rationalize my behavior and tell you all about how it made sense at the time, but I respect you dear reader far too much to insult your intelligence in such a way.
If the truth be told it all began as it always has, at home. There I was, too high to move without assistance. Relaxing and watching the second round of the Republican primary debates. The previous contender for the role of Republican presidential wanna be had answered a question about healthcare issues by dropping puppies onto spikes, not to be outdone the next candidate was kicking a homeless person in the nuts for a nickel a shot. Ahhh appealing to the base, such a fun thing to see.
My cell phone rang but I was busy. The next contestant was bringing a leper on stage which of course bode well for all manner of family entertainment. My assistant Kat was kind enough to grab it for me and answer. Her sensibilities are a bit sensitive for this sort of thing but I'm working on getting her to see the joy of low brow humor. Where the key is not to laugh at the joke but the people who think it's funny.
Kat extended the phone to me. "Call for you."
"I figured as much." I replied and watched as the next icon of conservative family values whipped the leper to the over amazed joy of the rabid crowd of deranged family values voters.
"Answer the phone it's your editor." I extended my hand and Kat dropped the phone in it, rolling her eyes as she turned away.
I held the phone six inches from my ear and waited.
"WHERE"S MY FUCKING COLUMN!!" Came the voice on the other end.
"Hi Shelby." My Erstwhile editor had managed to track me down to yet another pre pay cell phone. Her sources were amazing.
"I need 2,000 words on anything, and coherent words. Something that forms a narative and tells a story, not like that time you sent recipes for Hash Brownies and fish cakes."
"Or You'll what?" I asked.
"I will come down there with three hot chicks have them tie you down and mass ignore you. You know me I'll do it." She said. It's such a shame when people know your weaknesses.
"When do you need it?" I sighed.
"Two Days." I sighed deeply.
"I'll have it for you." I replied and hung up.
Slumping I was thought hard about the pressing issues this presented for me. I was too stoned to drive, not stoned enough to think properly, under equipped and severely under motivated. To my warped and twisted mind there was only one solution to this problem.
I looked up at Kat. "Gather the crew. We're going on a road trip!!"
Kat looked me over. "So what you mean is grab Jon and the car."
"Well yeah if you want to be all matter of fact about it. We are about to embark on a great adventure."
"So I should also have the lawyers on speed dial." Kat said and walked off.
"It's scary how fast she's getting the hang of this place." I thought and watched her go. The view was pleasant. Kat was short for Katherine, but truth be told she looked more like what her name sounded like. lean and graceful with a head of reddish brown hair that framed features one might call refined or She had arrived here as a result of orders from on high and it took about five minutes for her to assume the essential role of Wendy to my Lost Boy. She had far too much sense to be around here, yet stayed out of some sort of warped notion of pride or duty. She wouldn't be driven off and she was too good at what she did for me to get mad at her and fire her.
"What will I need for this trip?" I thought and rifled through my pockets which were woefully short of Cash, weapons of any destruction, drugs, or even pieces of aluminum foil left overs.
This clearly needed to change.
Looking up I saw the crowd at the primary debate about to go into a ravenous drooling fit over the clearly inbred son of a well known political family. Sitting there smiling to the crowd as if he wondered why all these people were so happy to see him and when he might get his next meal.
It's all a bit of a blur after that, I remember rescuing Jon from a pack of people of various gender identities all of whom wanted to do some sort of horrible carnal thing to him. For some reason he didn't seem to be all that happy to be rescued.
If you were to take an image of the former angel Lucifer I bet he'd look like Jon, he had a face best described as somewhere between handsome and pretty. With Blonde shoulder length hair that gave off an image that reminded me of paintings of angels from my days where I went to church. Mind you he made up for all of that in his desire to figure out all things technological and a stronger desire than most to attempt to mate with anything that could walk on two legs.
But the less said about the goat incident the better.
Kat had decided she was the only one sober or sane enough to drive and off we went.
Everything was fine until we ran into Rush Limbaugh.
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